Pilate Meets Jesus & other matters

PONTIOUS PILATE MEETS JESUS. Circa 30AD on a very lovely Friday morning & good old Pilate like all Romans with some bucks to spare was looking forward to a weekend of debauchery. It was TGIF; pardon me then it was TCIF, Thank Caesar it’s Friday. It was his turn to host his mates from the Roman Military Academy. He recalled with nostalgia the good old days, his mates, his teachers & most of all how each & everyone found one subject or more fascinating. There was never a dull moment in class. Very few students failed to make high grades. There were interesting subjects like crucifixion, Torture, Poisoning, (favourite of the upper class) Pillaging, which covered looting, raping, vandalism amongst others. He abhorred the Art of the time, which concentrated mostly on the female form & explicit sexual intercourse; this did not go well with his father who happened to be the head of that faculty. His father, Professor Dickus Lingus was actually a hands on teacher (more like Dick in). He never hired male models & his ability was legendary. He was never short of funds to hire models since he was in cahoots with the VC, Professor Phallusis. The arrangement was that the VC must have a bit of the models & the faculty will never be wanting for grants. So imagine when Prof. Dickus Lingus discovered that his son was a Homo, not even a bisexual or Ac/Dc which was common in them days. Pilate was a misogynist, a misogamist as a matter of fact he missed every thing. Although an embarrassment to his immediate family, Pilate found favour in the eyes of Caesar Tiberius as Caesar enjoyed some very mano de mano times with him & with that came promotions. Although he had never been directly involved in any serious military campaign, Pilate was moving up the military ranks & offices normally reserved for outstanding officers. It was no surprise when he was chosen governor of all Judea for which position he had to take a wife much to his disdain. Just about this time a young Jewish man by name Jesus Christ was going about his business of preaching about a greater kingdom where his father rules, where all is well, where peace & harmony will reign supreme, no pain , no hunger & much more. All came with a supreme sacrifice; give up every thing & follow me. Congress, sorry the National assembly oh no I mean the Sanhedrin did not see things his way & they thought there was something covert about his operations so they put the Mossad on his tail. Jesus became a pain in their butt & the Sanhedrin decided that by hook or by crook he must be stopped. They could not understand him. He fed thousands with just a few loafs of bread; was it powerful yeast?? He cured the sick & raised the dead. He said things that offended the tradition of old. After much ado about nothing, they issued a warrant of arrest & Jesus was picked up & this was the beginning of how a coalition between the Sanhedrin, the Roman Centurions & the Mossad was about to ruin Pontious’s weekend. So Pontius heard the raucous & came out to find the captain of his security team & other officials of the many security bodies all surrounding one dry looking man that looked like he could do with a meal. Pilate (very furious): What in the name of Tiberius is the matter? Dnt you know it’s TCIF? Bribeus The C.C.(chief centurion): The people have asked that we bring this man Jesus the Christ to you for execution(not prosecution). They have several claims against him. Pilate: Oh yes ! I’ve heard quite a bit about him. I say he might look quite delightful if he is washed up & shaved. Carry on centurion ; what are the charges. C.C: Causing civil unrest; claiming to be King of the Jews; Destroying sacred property; Practicing medicine without a license; Sorcery. Pilate breaks in: Centurion, P.A.(personal assistant) my chambers plse. Pilate continues: What did you say about practicing medicine & sorcery. C.C: It is wonderful what he does. His optical prowess is out of this world. He cures cataracts, he does surgery on detached retinas Yes my lord detached retinas are re-attached. My Lord he puts broken bones back together. Smelly stinky sores vanish from the leperous. Pontius: Wonderful but what about the sorcery? Do you think he’s the young Jewish boy that I’d heard about that visited India & became very vast in their wizardry? C.C: He has raised the dead in my very before. The people have seen a man dead for weeks rise & walk. He has cast out evil spirits. Mad men have become sane. With a few loaves of bread, he has fed thousands. Pontius: Bribeus, you know my ambition to become Emperor. Maybe we should make him an offer or a franchise on this sorcery but instead of the people rising from the dead, we use the powers the other way if you know what I mean. Go make him an offer he cnt refuse. Bribeus & the PA go off to meet with Jesus but in no time return to Pilate. Bribeus: Sorry sir he’s unyielding. Pilate: Did you tell him that I have powers over him & that his freedom is dependent on me? Bribeus: That was the funny part. He said all that is going on had been pre arranged (not pre ordained as is written in some not so Dead Sea Scrolls) & that you are just a bit player even though you dnt come to recitals. Pilate: You know Bribeus, regardless of his impetuous & arrogant attitude; he really has done nothing against Rome. He said he’s the king of the Jews, so who cares. He dnt say that he’s Caesar or the prefect of Judae? As for his surgical powers, we should utilize that & send him up North where there are so many blind people. This will reduce the influx of beggars from that part of Judae. Bribeus: My Lord all of his people want is to crucify him. Letting him go would cause unrest which could cost Rome quite a bit to contain. Do we want to spend Rome’s finances on quelling some unnecessary riot? Pilate: Of course not we dnt but I did hear that he made a brilliant statement where he said, “Give unto Caesar that which is Caesars’”. Can you beat that! He respects Caesar’s supremacy. What more can you ask of any good citizen. Pilate continues: By the way, did you read him his rights? Bribeus: yes we did my lord. Pilate: did you take his statement? Bribeus: Yes we did but it was’nt in Latin. Pilate: Let’s go back out & meet him. BACK ON THE BALCONY. Pilate to Jesus: I say, I think you should Lawyer up. Jesus: Get on with it old chap> What a man’s got to do a man’s got to do. My father is my Lawyer ,my counsel & my defence. Pilate: Fantastic!! But let me tell you, I am Rome; In other words Judge, jury & prosecutor. Alas! Contrary to most literature of them days but not also not as accurate as most, this was when Jesus yelled out in many languages: Sacre bleu; Dio cani: Chineke me; mo daran; kilo de papa but most remembered, Eloi Eloi la ma sabatani or something close to that. So it was not at Golgotha or was it Calgary that those words were uttered. All said & done Pilate now turned his attention to hosting his mates from the Academy. He calls on his P.A. Fixall to get the final details thru. Pilate: Fixall pls pay attention to details. Have we received our consignment of wine from Rome? This is the worst region for quality wine. Go to that merchant at the corner of Migrants street & see if he has Wild Boar & pheasants imported either from Gaul or Rome. I tell you this Judae is extremely poor. As you know some of my mates are suffering from serious Gout or high cholesterol & the lean imported Boar & pheasants are the best for their conditions. We also need to get some of that local brew they call beer that the peasants so much indulge in; It is more tolerable by gout sufferers. Fixall; But Sir, that merchant at the corner does not have a butchery. He has 3 notable sections; building materials, clothing materials, equestrian equipment, children’s toys… Pilate: stop it Fixall! I know that man personally. As a matter of fact he followed me from Rome when I was appointed. He used to be a gladiator. He comes from Nigeria the Eastern region. Fantastic people, great traders; just place your order & there you are. His cold room is at the back of all you mentioned. So it was that Pilate had a blast that Friday, many celabrated that Barrabas the murderer was freed & for some it was a very solemn Friday. P.S> Like all historic events, persons & events captured within are not totally accurate Any human being still alive & challenging this story is a zombie. Patrick O. Doyle.