Pilate Meets Jesus & other matters

PONTIOUS PILATE MEETS JESUS. Circa 30AD on a very lovely Friday morning & good old Pilate like all Romans with some bucks to spare was looking forward to a weekend of debauchery. It was TGIF; pardon me then it was TCIF, Thank Caesar it’s Friday. It was his turn to host his mates from the Roman Military Academy. He recalled with nostalgia the good old days, his mates, his teachers & most of all how each & everyone found one subject or more fascinating. There was never a dull moment in class. Very few students failed to make high grades. There were interesting subjects like crucifixion, Torture, Poisoning, (favourite of the upper class) Pillaging, which covered looting, raping, vandalism amongst others. He abhorred the Art of the time, which concentrated mostly on the female form & explicit sexual intercourse; this did not go well with his father who happened to be the head of that faculty. His father, Professor Dickus Lingus was actually a hands on teacher (more like Dick in). He never hired male models & his ability was legendary. He was never short of funds to hire models since he was in cahoots with the VC, Professor Phallusis. The arrangement was that the VC must have a bit of the models & the faculty will never be wanting for grants. So imagine when Prof. Dickus Lingus discovered that his son was a Homo, not even a bisexual or Ac/Dc which was common in them days. Pilate was a misogynist, a misogamist as a matter of fact he missed every thing. Although an embarrassment to his immediate family, Pilate found favour in the eyes of Caesar Tiberius as Caesar enjoyed some very mano de mano times with him & with that came promotions. Although he had never been directly involved in any serious military campaign, Pilate was moving up the military ranks & offices normally reserved for outstanding officers. It was no surprise when he was chosen governor of all Judea for which position he had to take a wife much to his disdain. Just about this time a young Jewish man by name Jesus Christ was going about his business of preaching about a greater kingdom where his father rules, where all is well, where peace & harmony will reign supreme, no pain , no hunger & much more. All came with a supreme sacrifice; give up every thing & follow me. Congress, sorry the National assembly oh no I mean the Sanhedrin did not see things his way & they thought there was something covert about his operations so they put the Mossad on his tail. Jesus became a pain in their butt & the Sanhedrin decided that by hook or by crook he must be stopped. They could not understand him. He fed thousands with just a few loafs of bread; was it powerful yeast?? He cured the sick & raised the dead. He said things that offended the tradition of old. After much ado about nothing, they issued a warrant of arrest & Jesus was picked up & this was the beginning of how a coalition between the Sanhedrin, the Roman Centurions & the Mossad was about to ruin Pontious’s weekend. So Pontius heard the raucous & came out to find the captain of his security team & other officials of the many security bodies all surrounding one dry looking man that looked like he could do with a meal. Pilate (very furious): What in the name of Tiberius is the matter? Dnt you know it’s TCIF? Bribeus The C.C.(chief centurion): The people have asked that we bring this man Jesus the Christ to you for execution(not prosecution). They have several claims against him. Pilate: Oh yes ! I’ve heard quite a bit about him. I say he might look quite delightful if he is washed up & shaved. Carry on centurion ; what are the charges. C.C: Causing civil unrest; claiming to be King of the Jews; Destroying sacred property; Practicing medicine without a license; Sorcery. Pilate breaks in: Centurion, P.A.(personal assistant) my chambers plse. Pilate continues: What did you say about practicing medicine & sorcery. C.C: It is wonderful what he does. His optical prowess is out of this world. He cures cataracts, he does surgery on detached retinas Yes my lord detached retinas are re-attached. My Lord he puts broken bones back together. Smelly stinky sores vanish from the leperous. Pontius: Wonderful but what about the sorcery? Do you think he’s the young Jewish boy that I’d heard about that visited India & became very vast in their wizardry? C.C: He has raised the dead in my very before. The people have seen a man dead for weeks rise & walk. He has cast out evil spirits. Mad men have become sane. With a few loaves of bread, he has fed thousands. Pontius: Bribeus, you know my ambition to become Emperor. Maybe we should make him an offer or a franchise on this sorcery but instead of the people rising from the dead, we use the powers the other way if you know what I mean. Go make him an offer he cnt refuse. Bribeus & the PA go off to meet with Jesus but in no time return to Pilate. Bribeus: Sorry sir he’s unyielding. Pilate: Did you tell him that I have powers over him & that his freedom is dependent on me? Bribeus: That was the funny part. He said all that is going on had been pre arranged (not pre ordained as is written in some not so Dead Sea Scrolls) & that you are just a bit player even though you dnt come to recitals. Pilate: You know Bribeus, regardless of his impetuous & arrogant attitude; he really has done nothing against Rome. He said he’s the king of the Jews, so who cares. He dnt say that he’s Caesar or the prefect of Judae? As for his surgical powers, we should utilize that & send him up North where there are so many blind people. This will reduce the influx of beggars from that part of Judae. Bribeus: My Lord all of his people want is to crucify him. Letting him go would cause unrest which could cost Rome quite a bit to contain. Do we want to spend Rome’s finances on quelling some unnecessary riot? Pilate: Of course not we dnt but I did hear that he made a brilliant statement where he said, “Give unto Caesar that which is Caesars’”. Can you beat that! He respects Caesar’s supremacy. What more can you ask of any good citizen. Pilate continues: By the way, did you read him his rights? Bribeus: yes we did my lord. Pilate: did you take his statement? Bribeus: Yes we did but it was’nt in Latin. Pilate: Let’s go back out & meet him. BACK ON THE BALCONY. Pilate to Jesus: I say, I think you should Lawyer up. Jesus: Get on with it old chap> What a man’s got to do a man’s got to do. My father is my Lawyer ,my counsel & my defence. Pilate: Fantastic!! But let me tell you, I am Rome; In other words Judge, jury & prosecutor. Alas! Contrary to most literature of them days but not also not as accurate as most, this was when Jesus yelled out in many languages: Sacre bleu; Dio cani: Chineke me; mo daran; kilo de papa but most remembered, Eloi Eloi la ma sabatani or something close to that. So it was not at Golgotha or was it Calgary that those words were uttered. All said & done Pilate now turned his attention to hosting his mates from the Academy. He calls on his P.A. Fixall to get the final details thru. Pilate: Fixall pls pay attention to details. Have we received our consignment of wine from Rome? This is the worst region for quality wine. Go to that merchant at the corner of Migrants street & see if he has Wild Boar & pheasants imported either from Gaul or Rome. I tell you this Judae is extremely poor. As you know some of my mates are suffering from serious Gout or high cholesterol & the lean imported Boar & pheasants are the best for their conditions. We also need to get some of that local brew they call beer that the peasants so much indulge in; It is more tolerable by gout sufferers. Fixall; But Sir, that merchant at the corner does not have a butchery. He has 3 notable sections; building materials, clothing materials, equestrian equipment, children’s toys… Pilate: stop it Fixall! I know that man personally. As a matter of fact he followed me from Rome when I was appointed. He used to be a gladiator. He comes from Nigeria the Eastern region. Fantastic people, great traders; just place your order & there you are. His cold room is at the back of all you mentioned. So it was that Pilate had a blast that Friday, many celabrated that Barrabas the murderer was freed & for some it was a very solemn Friday. P.S> Like all historic events, persons & events captured within are not totally accurate Any human being still alive & challenging this story is a zombie. Patrick O. Doyle.

WILL CHESEA WIN; SHOULD CHELSEA WIN; IF CHEDLSEA WINS

WILL CHELSEA WIN; SHOULD CHELSEA WIN; IF CHELSEA WINS!!!!!! When Jose Mourinho led Chelsea to its 1st league triumph after 50yrs of just being there but never the less playing entertaining soccer, West London went wild. I must say they’ve always had one or two individuals that had some panache; Players like Jimmy Greaves ( for goal scoring) Charlie Cook, Peter Osgood, Ray “Butch’ Wilkins, Ron ‘CHOPPER’ Harris, & then the foreigners came along with people like Zola, Vialli, Gullit & today you have Drogba ( arguably one of the finest strikers & ball player ever) Ramirez, Luiz ( always a candidate for a Red card) & many more. That was 2005. Tomorrow they go up against Bayern Munich, a very disciplined & rugged team with hard, resilient & always running players like, Ribery, Robben, & the magnificent Mario Gomez. A pity our own 20yr old Alaba is suspended having received 3 yellows. Both teams will be without some of their regulars but I believe Chelsea’s missing 4, of Terry, Ivanovic, Meireles & especially Ramirez will be more telling.The pundits & bookmakers dnt give Chelsea a chance but what do they know. If we went by them, Chelsea would have been out at the Round of 16 when miraculously, after losing 1-3 in Naples, they came back to London & won 4-1. Then there was the David & Goliath battle against Barca & I still dnt know how they pulled that off but that is football. Before the Spanish formula 1, the eventual winner Maldonado was according to book makers like Ladbrokes & William Hill an outsider at 300-1. Wish I’d put a 100quid on him. If you ask me what is Chelsea’s plan, I would say they have none; they are going to Munich to do what they did in Barcelona & that is play their hearts out & hope for the best. I’ve never been a great follower of German clubs but I always admired their national side; their pace, discipline & accurate passing. They have produced greats like Beckenbauer(the Kaizer) Klinsmann, muller, breitner etc., but since their clubs started recruiting foreigners , I’ve started to show some interest in the clubs. As usual when there’s a huge happening, there are a lot of side shows which are a product of the happening. What will happen tomorrow should Chelsea win in Munich will give the Metro, hoteliers, nightclubs, pubs & many other bodies an insight of what to expect in London 2012. In 2008 they lost out to Man Utd & all preparations were for nought but I believe this is bigger than 2008 especially more so that both teams were of about equal standing. The whole of Britain will, I presume, be backing Chelsea & many bodies, associations, bars, cinemas etc have made some commitment or the other to make the day and the days after unforgettable. Happy Hour will become many Happy hours, theatre owners are allowing free viewer ship in their halls. Let me go to the most intriguing contributor which will attract persons of all sorts & not just football mad persons. I wrote in 2005 when Chelsea won the league after 50yrs that the West London Ladies of the night (although some are on day shift) offered their wares to recognized clients at a 50% discounted rate. In 2008 when Chelsea played United, they were ready to up the offer but the loss upset the plan. Fortunately, the template is not lost & the offer stands with a little modification. Under the aegis of the name LONDON PATRIOTIC LADIES OF THE NIGHT(DAY SHIFT INCLUDED) the following societies, associations & unions , Call girls association, Hookers union, street walkers society, Registered Brothels of London & many more agreed to offer their services totally free to all for the 1st 5mins immediately after the final whistle & that is only if Chelsea wins. When asked why 5mins only, the president retorted “do you use more”. Bookings are accepted on payment of a 50pounds fee, which is non-refundable win or lose. The only branch members of these societies opting out are chronic Arsenal fans. Even Arsene Wenger could not convince them to join in the effort. Boris Johnson has commended the societies & wishes other professionals would emulate so all of London may be prepared for 2012. He has offered to give the leaders of the best performing societies, keys to the City sorry I mean to his house. To my friends in London , enjoy. Patrick Doyle

patrick hornblower: VISIONS, DREAMS & REVELATIONS IN MANCHESTER

patrick hornblower: VISIONS, DREAMS & REVELATIONS IN MANCHESTER: VISIONS, DREAMS & REVELATIONS IN MANCHESTER And it came to pass that the Manager of Manchester City did awake from his sleep sweaty, puzzl...

VISIONS, DREAMS & REVELATIONS IN MANCHESTER

VISIONS, DREAMS & REVELATIONS IN MANCHESTER And it came to pass that the Manager of Manchester City did awake from his sleep sweaty, puzzled, dazed & troubled. His darling wife ( at least I think he has a wife) of many years, having never seen him like this asked “What troubleth thee my dear; in all our years of wedlock never have I seen you so worried & perhaps traumaed(tized)”. Mancini “I thought I did hear the Lord call out to me in my sleep warning me of terrible things ahead”. What sayeth the Lord?” his wife asked. Mancini “ The Lord doth call out to me saying ‘ Roberto, Roberto beware the 6th of may for the wrath of Cisse doth await thee. For he striketh with both feet’”. Mean while back in the house of the Lord, a couple of angels approached the Lord & said “Lord it will be good for us to take this same message to the dressing room of Man city for truly the wrath of not only Cisse but also Danbaba doth await them ”. And the Lord said no for the cost of transportation is very high especially by British Rail. The Lord said “ Send it by text in Spanish & English so that they all may understand the word of the Lord.” Patrick Doyle

patrick hornblower: THE IRISH NATIONAL GOALKEEPER

patrick hornblower: THE IRISH NATIONAL GOALKEEPER: It’s more than 50yrs since that I 1st heard this joke. Not that it has changed much but the Irish were always thought of as a people who can...

THE IRISH NATIONAL GOALKEEPER

It’s more than 50yrs since that I 1st heard this joke. Not that it has changed much but the Irish were always thought of as a people who can’t apply themselves, have drunken, noisy ways that are normally finally capped with some solid brawl. An average family had some 7 kids; in fact it was believed by some that Irish girls got pregnant from kissing.
Yet through all of these, they have produced some of the greatest literary giants; poets, & classic writers. They continue today to produce wonderful contemporary musicians & singers. Should America today decide to take a census of contributions to the world of literature, theatre, cinema & music by the various ethnic groups, I am pretty certain that the Irish would be taking a front row seat. Regardless of eing the most maligned of the white Tribes, they have held their own & not too long ago before the total EU decline, Ireland was considered the fastest growing economy. My point is they never went running to mummy saying ‘mummy , he called me a nigger or what ever.
Anyway, it’s back to the joke:
A 10 storey building in Ireland is on fire & the fire brigade is hard at it and they think all is done when out pops a head of a woman from then 8th floor, she’s holding a baby & she’s screaming “pls save my baby, dnt worry bout me just save my baby” she screams continuously. “Throw your baby into our safety net” shouts the Fire chief but the Lady would have nothing of it. After a lot of to & fro between her & the fire officers she finally agrees to throw down her baby only if the Irish National goal keeper were present. Straight away the fire chief sends for the great Murphy O’Reily, the legendary Irish national goalkeeper.
She takes a look & shouts out. “It’s Murphy, it’s Murphy, it’s Murphy O’Reilly; my Irish hero. Please catch my baby”.
“Go ahead lady am ready & dnt be worried one bit” Murphy shouts back.
The lady throws her baby, Murphy O’Reilly catches the baby & before you know it he bounces the baby twice takes 2 strides & kicks him right across the parking lot into the other half of the estate while the crowd cheered wildly.